So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
