I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
