i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
