When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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