Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
