and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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