I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
