Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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