The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
