Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
