Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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