My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
