He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this boner is exhausting
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
