dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
