I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
