My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
