The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
