yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
