He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
