I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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