made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
