WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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