I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
