Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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