1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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