The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
