Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
