My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
