you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
