it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Someone shattered a urinal.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
