I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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