My underwear smells like fireworks.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was like eating out sand paper
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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