Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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