we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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