it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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