I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
