I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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