is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
