Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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