Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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