so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
