It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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