Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
