he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
