i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
