I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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