Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
