How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
