I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
