I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
