Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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