Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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