I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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