I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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